Smothered

I'm posting a lot (2 entries in one day in the 3rd week of med school = suicide apparently) and I should go to bed but I am a little too frustrated, angry, and upset at this whole med school environment to go to bed. I will talk to God about this...

This morning, I felt the most joy I had felt in weeks. The church service definitely was a breath of fresh air. I felt more like myself than I had in weeks. I was definitely a lot nicer to everyone...more loving and Christ-like. It just flowed naturally out of me...It felt wonderful. I could talk with other people about so many things besides med school and studying. It was a sign of life...like discovering the sign of life when you cut a dead branch and glimpse a green core.

So I had a group gross anatomy tutoring session in the lab at 3pm that I had to go to. I went in with that joy that I had and it was wonderful conversing with my group members. However, the minute I stepped into that lab and the session started. I felt a tangible change in my demeanor, my mood, my emotions, etc. Physically, my heart rate sped up (which has been happening a lot recently...a sign of subconscious anxiety). My thoughts and emotions had a more anxious and competitive undertone to it and there was no sign of joy left. Just like that, my joy had been suffocated and smothered. It was gone. And after we walked out of lab, all I could think to talk about with my group members was med school and studying. It was all I could think about. It was all that ANYBODY talked about. And then I wasn't very productive tonight which made it even worse.
The environment, med school, that I live in is not conducive for joy. It is not conducive to the love of Christ. And neither is it conducive for a follower of Christ. Everything in it goes against my spirit. Leaving me frustrated and empty...filled with the desire to be free again. Wanting more joy (because I've experienced more joy) than I have right now. Wanting to be more like the person that God created me to be (for that is when I experience the most freedom...able to spread God's love fully and freely to whomever I want, whenever I want).

Why the world wants to smother that kind of love and joy boggles my mind...It angers me. You can't take it away from me (thank God for that) but why take it away from everybody else who needs it? Why make it hard for genuine love, joy, peace, grace, and hope to reach others?
I was not created to study. nor was I created to make As, become a doctor, and make money. Cause those things, in and of themselves, are of no benefit to me, to God, nor to others without love. Those things do not love me nor do they teach me how to love.

This post sounds contradictory (in spirit) than my previous post...but it's not. I haven't given up. This isn't a give-up despairing depressing post. It's more of a righteous anger at what has happened to me today. The flame will come back. Flames sustained by God don't need oxygen to survive.