I've been giving arranged marriages some serious thought and consideration lately. I have repeatedly come to the conclusion that love is very very complicated. I have also come to the conclusion that nobody should really have to go through what I went through. I don't know who came up with the idea of dating and courtship when it's not even in the bible. There is no way that I can figure out if I want to be with someone for the rest of my life just through dating (or through any other means). And neither has my experience with dating helped me for future decisions on who I should date. I think humans are in nature very finicky creatures (hence we often think that God is just as finicky as we are). I remember my pastor (back in memphis) said something once when he was preaching on the topic of self-inflicted suffering. He said (this is paraphrasing btw), "Sometimes when we go out in the morning and see a flat tire, we think, oh God must be saying something to me. He must be angry about something or I must have done something. No. God is not capricious and picky like that. People do that." And yes, people do. Our emotions and actions go up and down like a yo-yo. One minute we're angry. The next minute, we're happy. And one morning we'll go slash someone's tires, and the next day go apologize.
For people who are dating and stuff, please don't take this the wrong way. I am very happy for all of you and I am in no way saying that I'm against dating. I'm just merely commenting on the fact that it's a miracle that this contraption works at all! And the reason it DOES work is by God's grace.
So, I've made the decision. I think I will tell my parents to just find someone that is meets their expectations and standards, and if both parental parties decide that the match is good, I will gladly accept their invitation. My parents are wiser than I am in regards to marriage and what it will be like. I'm pretty close to them and they know what I need and don't need more than anything. What's more is that they're strong Christians. I trust them completely. I couldn't ask for better people to make this decision for me. Because obviously, I have no time. Med school doesn't really allow much "dating" or anything of that sort. And I don't want to have to worry about trying to meet the right people, trying to create situations where I can meet people, etc. And plus, I'm kinda cynical now towards this dating/courtship thing. It doesn't work for me. I'm tired of playing a game (nor do I really look forward to playing any games). It's more work than play for me. More cons than pros at this point in my life. I just want to cut through all the formalities that society has imposed and get to the real thing.
Loving others doesn't come naturally to humans. We love ourselves naturally. And hence, love between a couple must be cultivated, learned...how best do you love the other person. And it's different with each person (this applies beyond couple relationships really. This expands into any relationship/friendship you have). So I don't think I would mind marrying someone I've only really met once or twice. It'll be the same journey either way. I think I might actually enjoy the learning process even more after marriage because the commitment (the marriage) is already there. And so it is just a journey of discovery and growth and there is no loss. There may be hurt along the way but it's something you work through. It's more positive instead of negative and there's no way to just "bail out". And there will be no questions of "what if" for me. Cause i've tried it the other way, and it just didn't work for me. Is it a little bit of fear that is motivating my decision? Perhaps, yes. Cause I fear for my heart. I can't do that to it again. Will I regret being in an arranged marriage? No. I believe this is the best decision for me and for my relationship with God. I will actually have to trust God even more to lead my parents to the right person and to lead me into a right marriage. Love is something I cannot control. So why try to control it through dating? I fully relinquish my control over love. Whoever my parents think I should marry, I will marry. I don't need that kind of pressure (along with it, the fear) of finding someone for myself. I'd rather put that burden on my parents lol.
Of course, this is my own decision and I wouldn't think of imposing it on anyone or even my future children. I think the child has to want their parents to do so and really trust them before that kind of arrangement can be made. And I am EXTREMELY blessed to have such wonderful wise parents that love me. And so why not take advantage of that? This'll be different from arranged marriages for wealth, education, social status. It will be a marriage out of love as well. It'll just look different from everybody else's concept of that.
I will have to agree that love is exceptionally complicated and ridiculously messy. Relationships are hard and require work. A lot of work. Friendship or dating relationships.
ReplyDeleteArranged marriages are very interesting - I've thought about them. However at least for myself, I've decided against them - not because they are not good, but because I'm not as fortunate as others to have parents that understand what I need and who would fit.
I wonder though, if I may, if your decision is rooted out of fear? You do acknowledge that it could be the case. But it does sound, out of your post, that some healing is necessary in certain areas of your life, particularly in dating relationships. It's easy, at least I think, to punk out when things get hard and we get hurt - why put yourself through something like that again? I don't think that's always God's desire for us - to not fully engage head on our areas of brokenness. So perhaps thinking about what REALLY is the motivation for this decision sounds like it could/would be wise. It's true that it's often the things that hurt us the worst and cause the most pain that God uses to bring healing in the places we've come to fear. I find that annoying, but refreshing in a weird sort of way.
But God is good.
If it's not God's will, He will oppose me.
ReplyDeleteFor He opposes the proud, and gives grace to the humble (James 4:6 and I Pet. 5:5)...
That verse seems very negative but actually, that verse is full of love. He has done that for me many times (med school being 1 huge example). I trust Him and completely depend on Him to do so.
My posts that are like this are more like Psalm 88 posts. Job-like posts. Posts that I know, in the end, will submit to God's will. But these are posts I MUST write. Because it is how I feel. I don't care WHY I feel this way (be it fear, etc.). It's reality right now.
I´m can´t say where your post is coming from but when I read it it rang strong with my own heart. Maybe becasue we both have talked about this lately but I am learning that it is such a miracle that people can find each other and fall in love. Truly this is only possible with the grace of God because as humans we are soo confusing. Thinking more and more I wish that I had parents who could do this for me as well, but I don´t so I´m trusting for God to arrange it in a most spectacular way and until that day I can honeslty say that I´m not interested in romantic love, I´m not ready to share my heart with anyone.
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