My "self"

I'm glad that I continue to discover and learn about myself. The verse in I Cor 13:12 comes to mind, "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."
Right now, I'll be the first to admit that I don't know myself fully. I only know in part. Even as a Christian, I only partly realize and understand my identity as a daughter of God. The time will come when I shall know fully (even as I am fully known right now by Jesus Christ). And so, back to what I was saying in the beginning, I am glad that I continue to learn about myself and about who I am.

I was enlightened about what kind of person I am, my personality I guess, today (sparked by many random conversations with my Mom the last few days. She's visiting me in Memphis).

First, some background: I've realized that there are levels of leadership (bear with me, this may seem like simple truth but to me, it is a profound revelation right now). Each tier/level of leadership requires a different skill set. For example, there is the captain and there's the first mate. There's the President and there's the Vice President. Both are leaders but they're different kinds of leaders with different skill sets.

All my life, my parents and everyone else has called me a leader. And I'll admit that I do exhibit some leadership qualities. However, what was confusing to me was that there are some parts of my personality and therefore many times where I did NOT want to lead and was NOT a good leader. Basically, I wasn't always a good leader (or a leader period) in every situation. And I could never really figure it out. If everybody said I was a leader then why couldn't I succeed in being one at times? I couldn't understand why my "leadership skills" would all of the sudden seemingly become ineffective or disappear.

Now for my enlightenment: Today, I realized that instead of being a captain-like leader, I am more of a first mate-type leader. I am NOT a vision caster, or rather, I am not often a vision caster. That is not where my skill set lies. I am the type of person who, if you give me a vision and I see it, believe it, and agree with it, I am one of the most reliable people you can count on to get that vision accomplished. Once I have a vision, I give 110% of myself to the achievement of that vision. Whatever it takes. I can not only help brainstorm creative ideas to get it accomplished, I can also delegate and order people around and make sure that people do their jobs, stay on task, and things get done. I can also keep the captain in check if you want me to. That's my skill set.

And I have realized that if you put me in a captain-type position, what happens is that I suffer. I become indecisive (which is not what happens when I am a first mate) and I start searching for other people to help me to find or form a vision. If I form my own vision, I have no confidence in it and am unsure of it. I am a person that needs direction. Give me an inch and I'll give you a mile.

This theory of myself is further affirmed by my testimony of how God DIRECTED me back to med school after my huge detour. HE gave me a vision and I am giving my life for the vision that He has cast for me.

And after this realization, I am SO HAPPY. This is a HUGE relief to me in that now I know what leadership positions I will consider and which ones I definitely won't (unless God hits me on the head). It makes me happy because I realize that I am a leader, just not the kind of leader that most people think of (president, ceo, captain, etc.). I'm more like a chief supervisor, first mate, vice president, co-pilot kind of a guy.

It's not often that I have moments of greatly enlightening self-discovery. It can be very frustrating to not "know" myself at times and so I treasure these rare gifts from God. I know our world has relegated a lot of self-discovery to the adolescent years, but I disagree with that. According to I Cor 13:12, self-discovery continues (and we won't ever truly know ourselves fully) until I see Jesus face to face and there is a new heaven and new earth.

Also, our society also strives for "being known" (striving for fame, leaving a mark, etc). And while it is nice to be "known" by others and by God, I'd have to say it is nice to "know" myself as well. To not just have others and God have knowledge about me, but for myself to have that knowledge as well. Does that make sense? I hope it does. Because it makes sense to me =).

I had termed this entry as "Self-discovery". However, now that I am at the end of this entry, I realized that the term "self-discovery" makes it sound like I'M the one who should take credit for the discovery when really I can't take credit. God revealed to me more of myself and continues to help me to understand...well, "me"! Thank God for that :)

Here's to hoping that God continues to reveal more of your "self" to you! =D