Friendships Part IV

Another epiphany. The more I talk this out, the better it is for me.

I know that most of the time, my friendships are pretty much exactly where they should be. It's pretty equal, the give and take, I suspect.

And my epiphany is this: Then there comes a time in a my life where I need a bit more support than usual. And I suppose my friends don't know why...And those times are times when my family is going through something. I am an only child. The burden of supporting my family falls very heavily on me sometimes. And I guess the kind of support I look for from others in this instance is then the support of that of a sibling. My epiphany came when I wrote this in a response to one of the comments to my earlier posts and it has helped me to zoom in a bit more on specifically what is making me feel a lack of support right now. I don't know if it's the only cause but I know it's a major one.

For the past 3 weeks, my grandfather has been in the hospital (falls, strokes, hemorrhage in the brain, brain surgery, etc.). Not many people know about it because I haven't said much (for a variety of reasons). My mom has spent almost every day in the hospital with him, giving him massages to strengthen his muscles, to ease his pain, to make him more comfortable, etc. She is getting drained. My dad is stressed out from that situation (it's his dad) and the limitations of his ability as a doctor in this situation to treat his dad because of health insurance issues. The clinic is not doing well. They are also still in the midst of piloting a chinese church in the basement of the clinic which has not been experiencing that much growth and 1 of the core members is moving. He has other obligations on top of that.

And I call them every day. It pains me that I'm not there. I can't be there right now and it frustrates me to no end. I want to be there so badly. And then I'm afraid no one understands my frustration. How agonizing it is to hear that your family is not doing well and not be able to do anything besides pray and call. How agonizing it is to have to compartmentalize so that I can still concentrate on not failing out of med school, losing my scholarship, and becoming more of a burden on my parents.
How painful it is when I do call, when I talk to my grandfather, I can't understand a word he says. It's gibberish. And that hurts too. I used to be able to cheer him up. I used to be his beloved granddaughter that he would be able to recognize and his mood would brighten up when I came home. And now, he can't recognize me. He doesn't know who I am. He doesn't hear me when I try to talk to him. He doesn't understand.
And how alone I feel in this situation...how helpless, weak, and selfish.
I want to cheer up my parents. I wish my words had more power than they do. I want to be able to help in some way.

It makes me think of what Pastor Park said at my church when he was talking about the members of the church who were in the hospital right now, "Those who have surrounded others, will be surrounded in their time of need. Those who cared for others, will be cared for. Those who loved, will be loved."
And it makes me think...have I not surrounded? Have I not loved? Have I not cared? Did I not do those things? Am I doing something wrong?

If I had a sibling to share my burden or at least know what I am going through, would I have more of a release?
And I suppose my friends can't give me that type of support...