I'm done

Warning: this is another one of my cynical posts about romance and love (in regards to myself)

I suppose I let myself be played again. Though, to be fair, the other party did make his point clear that I was not any more special than any of his other female friends. And yet, the heart is blind and chooses what it wants to listen to.
And people wonder why I am so "cynical" about romance for myself. Because whenever I let any of my emotions/my heart into the situation, it never seems to work and all it does it get me into trouble.

....Part of me wants to know the honest-to God reasons why. But because of past experiences, I know that even though I pursue answers, they're either 1) usually not the answers I want to hear - thereby rubbing salt in fresh wounds, 2) I don't get any answers at all. So why waste my energy? 

I do recognize that there are multiple factors to my reaction to when I get hurt. Maybe I'm attracted to douchebags. With my history, this is beginning to gain a bit more evidence - which begs the question, what the freaking heck is wrong with me?! Or maybe I'm an emotional masochist and I crave the drama (which I actually really doubt...I'm getting old. I hate drama more with every passing birthday. I should have left drama in college). Or maybe just one big factor. I know I have let past experiences rule my love life. It is what is governing this reaction that I am having right now to being hurt after putting myself out there. People who are stronger than me (stronger in perhaps emotional strength, mental strength, thick skin, etc....whatever it is, I want to be able to discount my feelings/emotions/my heart with ease) will tell me that disappointment and hurt is just part of the risk, you get hurt, you move on. But to continue to love with emotions and heart is the harder path to take though Hollywood likes to portray it as easy. No, in my experience, the easier path is to lock my heart up and throw away the key.

Yeah, I'll probably make myself get over this in a few days. I don't like to worry the people that actually care about me so I usually don't like to dwell on it for too long. But I know that the next time I have an opportunity, it will rear it's ugly head again, along with the multiple other ugly heads I have. And I know that when I actually vocalize what happened, it will seem (to me at least) really really trivial and like I'm blowing this way out of proportion. So I don't like to vocalize this stuff...because (and this comes back to how I wish I could dispense my heart without emotions) I can't control what I feel at this moment. But I can control how I react - so with the strength from God alone - I will get over this in a few days. I will react with grace and forgiveness, I will not dwell on anger and let it become bitterness. 

And as I type that last phrase, I feel a peace. Though this situation just increases my desire for just an arranged marriage, I will be ok.