Quit Playing Games

At present, one of the biggest experiences in my life as a single Christian woman continues to be how to navigate friendships with guys whom I am interested in or who are interested in me but I don't feel the same way. When I was in undergrad, I wasn't mature enough to deal with any of that and it caused lots of unintentional drama for myself, for others, and lots of unintentional hurt. And for that I apologize to everyone that I did hurt during those times. Whether that means anything almost years after the incident, I still need to say it. As I reflect on that time in my life, I realize it was a lot like a guessing game - guessing at people's thoughts, emotions...trying to read minds and interpret the smallest interaction and replaying every conversation. And I was a willing participant because of multiple factors: fear of rejection, low self-confidence, on a deeper more fleshly level even enjoying the drama, immaturity and not having the words to say or even knowing how to approach situations as well as not really listening to advice given, and also because society often portrays that this is how it's supposed to be - women are supposed to overanalyze everything and get hurt in relationships, etc.

As every year and birthday passes me by, I do feel the pressure of a biological clock, sometimes its from society, or from people but most often, it's from myself. It's almost oxymoronic because there is a tension within me. I feel content with my status on most days and yet I am almost constantly aware of the factor of time and the factor of my desires - desires that I can not deny (but I do try hard to do so on a lot of days) and I don't believe God would want me to.

So at present, this is the situation I find myself in: years are passing by and yet I find myself I refuse to play games of the heart like I did before and yet it is in many ways, the only way I've ever known to behave when it comes to stuff like this. But just recently in the past few months, through a few of my interactions (God keeps on throwing me curve balls this year. More action than I've ever gotten in the past 3 years combined), I've realized that I'm actually grateful for the pressure I feel because on many levels it has freed me and pushed me past all of those obstacles I listed above (the fear, low self-esteem, etc). It's freed me to be more honest and straightforward and be more mature for once in my life in this big area of my life. Hence the title of this post. I've quit playing games. I've been sick and tired of it for awhile now. What may seem like small victories to you all but this is a big victory for me.

I have 2 examples that stick out to me in my life recently. I don't want to type that much so I'll just type a conclusion I reached tonight that inspired this post. You all can ask me about the other incident in person or over the phone. I'll be happy to share.

So in this era of social media like twitter, texting, facebook, emails, chatting, eharmony, match.com, etc. I've realized that just makes "the game" more complex actually. It also adds to the many more ways girls can overanalyze, more ways there can be drama, and more ways there can be unintentional hurt. Why do I say that? Because in the past few days, I've experienced actual hurt from not having someone return my text messages. It used to be phone calls or emails. And now it's text messages that can hurt me?! That definitely threw me for a little loop. And these past few days, I've told myself over and over the many rationalizations that people always tell themselves whether it's an unreturned phone call, unresponded email, etc: "Oh this person must be busy", "Oh this person must have just forgot", etc. Just like that movie, He's Just Not That Into You. So I've made my own firm resolution. I cannot change the other person's behavior or habits but I can change my own to minimize the hurt I cause people through all the modes of social media I participate in (which is also why I should also minimize the different modes of media I participate in. I only have so much time to hold myself accountable and conduct myself with integrity for each mode of media). I will always respond to text messages, emails, and phone calls, if not immediately then within 24hrs (no matter the gender of the sender. Oh and if it's facebook, it may depend on what it is). At least I will send a response that I've received their contact. Nobody deserves to be hurt through any of that stuff. That way, when I actually don't respond in that time span, it's because I am physically unable to respond in a timely manner. People won't have to guess what the meaning of my actions are. They'll know. To me, I'm beginning to feel like its common courtesy. And if any guy seems to make a move that communicates that they want to go beyond the friendship boundary, I will definitely put all intentions of both parties out in the open upfront before anything else happens. I don't care if that's too blunt or straightforward. I'm sick of guessing and I don't have the brain energy or time to waste on useless stuff like that. And I'm sick of hurting people.