My meaningless rebellion

I have a confession to make.

I feel like I'm going through a prodigal season in my life. Since med school started, you'd think that after receiving a pretty loud and clear calling from God, my life would be on the straight and narrow and would be pretty easy from then on.

Nope.

It's not about questioning whether I'm in the right profession. I never question that because I remember my calling so clearly. That sense of rightness never goes away. It's more about the way I'm living my life. After receiving a calling, it's not like all of a sudden, going through life becomes easier or you agree with the plan. Maybe I thought it would get a little easier. I don't know. But I guess for me, it's not that I don't know how to live my life... I know how God wants me to live my life. But for the past few years, I've blatantly not wanted to be obedient. It's as simple as that. I've chosen to do my own thing. Make my own decisions based on my emotions. Without prayer. Without even talking it over with God. I've basically told Him that I'm not happy with His plan for me in lots of areas (more like one particular area - relationships), but I want His plan for me in other areas (like medicine and career). I've been trying to pick and choose and basically have my cake and eat it too.  I'm basically saying to God, I know better in these areas of my life. I'm willing to surrender the other areas but not this specific one.

These past few days, I've been doing a lot of self-reflection. I don't like my life right now. I don't like who I am today. Because when I look at myself, sure from the world's eyes, I'm pretty successful in being a doctor in a pretty nice residency program, doing well so far for myself with no med school loans/debt, etc. But when I look at myself through God's eyes, I'm very disappointed. I see a person that has not bore spiritual fruit in a long time (not just months, but years). A person who's character does not show integrity, discipline, or faith. Rather a double-minded and lukewarm person, who can be tossed by the wind. I'm not talking about evangelism, helping the poor - aka deeds of faith (though God knows, I'm lacking in that area as well). I'm just talking about fruits of the Spirit that just shine through in every day actions of all living and breathing christians. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Stuff that I can see in the cloud of witnesses as people go about their every day lives. The fruit that I see in others is unbelievable and an awesome testimony to Christ.  It even shines through facebook to be honest.

So I have felt lost. I know God is always with me and that He loves me no matter what. So much so that He has allowed me to go off and do stuff on my own. To try and control the areas of my life that I felt He wasn't doing a good job in. Like the prodigal son. But I've come to the point where I've realized that I've just done something very stupid these last few years. And that these last few years were unfulfilling and have left me wanting. The "success" I've achieved is infinitely less satisfying and is nothing compared to fruit that has eternal impact. Ecclesiastes comes to mind. Meaningless! Everything is meaningless!

The sad thing is, is that I don't think I'm done with my rebellion... But maybe, I'm finding my way back home sometime soon...