Don't worry, this entry isn't as morbid as the title sounds. It's another thing that has been in my mind a lot for the past month and I need to get it out before I go crazy.
Are you guys familiar with the saying that if you want to know what you will look like and act like when you get older, just look at your mom and grandmother (or dad and grandfather depending on if you're a boy or a girl)? Having lived, cared for, and watched others care for my grandmother who has Alzheimer's and faced with the possibility of being an only child caring for both my parents in their old age, I have been thinking a lot about that saying, about death, and about old age.
Not only have I watched and heard many many stories of people about my parents' age taking care of their Alzheimer's parents but I've also watched my mom and her 4 other siblings take care of my grandmother. And what I've observed, in general, is that it is extremely difficult. My grandmother is actually not as bad as some. She just has moderate memory loss...no biting, cursing, kicking, screaming, etc. (which is no doubt a blessing from God). However, there is still a sort of indescribable stress that comes with being responsible for your parents. You want to honor them and treat them like kings and queens because that is the treatment they deserve. After all, they sacrificed so much to raise you. However, when dealing with Alzheimer's patients, there's that inevitable loss of temper, the occasional shouting and impatience. And then the guilt sets in....Oh why did I lose my temper? Why did I have to shout at her? She doesn't know what she's doing...Once loving memories of your parents (or your spouse even...personally, I think the feelings are even worse if you're dealing with a spouse who has Alzheimer's) are often replaced with memories of guilt, frustration, and sadness. They are no longer the loving parents (or spouse) you remember them to be. What's more is that they don't even remember you! They don't know you and don't remember loving you...and they are incapable of reciprocation.
If I were a parent who had developed Alzheimer's (which is a very high possibility considering my family's medical history...either that or cancer) but was granted a chance by God to have a lucid out-of-body experience so I could watch a typical day between my children and I, I think my heart would break and I would be overwhelmed with sadness. Since I am a Christian there are only 2 reasons I would desire to live longer on this earth:
1) to glorify God and further His kingdom by spreading the gospel and the name of Jesus Christ.
2) to spend more time with my loved ones, to show them as much love and care as possible.
I do not fear death. For like Paul said in Phil 1:21, "To live is Christ and to die is gain." With Alzheimer's, I would not be able to fulfill either of my 2 reasons for living. And so I pray that by the grace, mercy, and love of God, I would be able to serve Christ until my dying breath. That He would take me away before my mind deteriorates. Before I just become a shell of the person He created me to be and a burden to my children. In one sense, this may seem like a selfish request. But don't get me wrong. I am not asking God that my own parents don't get Alzheimer's so I don't have to take care of them. That's not it. If both my parents get Alzheimer's, I will care for them with all the love that I have in my being. I will honor them with my life for they have given their lives up for me. No, my request is that I don't get Alzheimer's so my own children do not have to suffer. If you think about it, would either me or my children gain anything if I lived past my time of death? If I'm mistaken, (feel free to correct me if I am), I don't think it did Hezekiah any good to have the extra 15 years he pleaded with God for (II Chron. 32:24-33; Isaiah 38-39).
Therefore, this is my advance directive to my children (should they ever have to make a decision like this).
1) DNR - if it is my time to go, let me go. Harder said than done and it may sound harsh but it is not living if I have to rely on machines to even breathe.
2) Donate all my organs
3) Cremation (not burial) - why waste land, money, and time when what is important is the soul? And if it is the soul, then you should be celebrating! For my soul is saved and I have gone to be with Christ!
Now I understand why mercy killings might be such a struggle for some. As a parent, you do not want to be the cause of your children's suffering (medical bills can get very expensive! And why try when it can't cure but only slow down the progress of a disease? Aren't you dragging on the suffering of the patient and their surrounding supporters?) and children don't want their parents to suffer...
I don't think people in the bible suffered from Alzheimer's...at least not the people mentioned like Isaac, Jacob, Abraham, etc. And even if there was Alzheimer's/deterioration of the mind, they probably passed away before it could set in. God had declared in Gen. 6 that people's days would be numbered...not being able to live past 120 yrs. People like Isaac, Jacob, etc. lived after that declaration. And even while they were on their deathbed, they may have had poor eyesight (and other physical ailments), but their minds were clear. They even spoke prophetic blessings and curses on their deathbeds! Such power for an old person to have! And that is all God's provision and blessing.
After these thoughts and observations, I am led to believe that though medicine and science is a universal blessing from God it is also a curse. For as society and the environment develops in developed countries nowadays, I believe the average life span for the human body has actually been shortened because of all the stresses, stimuli, over-usage of the 5 senses, etc. in today's world...which would become especially apparent after you took away modern (life span-extending) medicine. Medicine can therefore not only be a blessing but a curse as well...because then we are allowed to evade death and live longer than our body is supposed to in such an environment. But you can try to preserve outward appearances but can you preserve what is inside? Non-Christians may want to evade death (for many reasons) but as a Christian, I will not use medicine to evade death (I Cor 15:54-56)- "Where O death is your victory? Where O death is your sting?" I may use medicine to maintain or better my health, yes. But to evade what is coming, no. Prevention is different from evasion.
Don't get me wrong. Yes, God can do miracles through medicine (He can also do it without them) and also use people who have Alzheimer's to breed longsuffering, perseverance, etc...basically, He can use anything to reveal more of Himself and to glorify His own name. In that sense, I leave what I have written, open. God is an infinite God. I am open to what He wants to do and use. I am NOT in any way condemning those who think differently (in terms of what I have written) or condemning those who have chosen differently because of life circumstances. This post, though mature in thought, is also quite idealistic. But one thing I do know...This post is just me, my opinions, and above all, it is my personal request to God. If I have a choice in how I die, this is my choice: May I be serving God until my last breath. Money, long life, or power I do not desire...what I desire is more souls for your kingdom!
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