My own worst critic

It's been awhile. A really long while. First off, I would like to extend my appreciation and gratitude to all the support, prayers, and love I've received (whether it's through email, through this blog, through buzz, etc) after my grandfather's death and after his funeral. It was very much needed and it was an immense blessing. Words cannot express how much that meant to me and I can only say that I hope I can be there for you all in your time of need as well.

I've been working my butt off on this internal medicine rotation because I realized about 2 weeks into it that that's what I wanted to do. So I've been working lots and lots of hours but enjoying every single minute of it. I've even been super motivated to study since the start of the rotation (which is unheard of for me :P). Finding out what I want to go into has been a wonderful feeling, very freeing. I really love the people I'm working with as well e.g. the residents, interns, attendings, etc.

One little setback, however. I thought I had done away with my perfectionist part of my personality at Case. Case does a pretty good job of deflating that pretty fast (I think I was pretty much done with the drive for getting A's after freshman year). And in med school, at least the first 2 years, I've been doing pretty well and satisfied with not being perfect in all my classes or whatnot. However, as rotations have started, what's part of my personality is always a part of my personality I suppose...that perfectionist inside me rears its ugly head. I find myself being really really hard on myself every day. On my worst days I set very high standards for my self (someone who knows absolutely nothing as just a 3rd year medical student), berate myself for getting any question wrong, mentally refuse to accept compliments from my residents or interns because I don't believe I'm as good as they say. I know that all sounds very horrible and you'd think that would make me not enjoy the day at all when in fact, I actually do enjoy the day. I love the people I work with, I love the hospital, and the patients and therefore, I still love this rotation and it's still what I want to do at the end of the day. It's the only rotation (so far) where I honestly don't want it to end (even after almost 2 months now of doing the same thing over and over again) and I seriously want to be able to say, just cancel the rest of my rotations, this is what I want to do and I'm not interested in anything else lol. All that to say I'm my own worst critic :P. Lots of people have told me over and over to not be so hard on myself but I just can't help it. In fact, it probably is what drives me to be better at what I do, keeps me from getting a big head (if anything, I struggle with being at the other end of the spectrum), etc. At least I'm not getting depressed over it...I have to be careful though in how it affects my self confidence because as a professional, it's important to carry yourself with a bit a self-confidence in your own abilities so that patients (or whoever your target is) will be able to fully trust you. It used to really affect me and give me low self-esteem and get me depressed. Hopefully I've found a healthier balance...I may still be harder on myself but I think that may be something I just have to live with. On days like these, I wish I wasn't my own worst critic but it has its pros and cons I guess :).