I will write...

I will finally write what I have been going through since January (since the start of this new semester).

Why?

Because, my mom told me over the phone recently that I hide everything inside and I never tell anyone. She's right. I do. My major reason is this: My experiences throughout my life have taught me a lesson that will stick with me forever and shapes me to be who I am today and why I do the things I do.
People fail. But God never fails.
God is my rock, my salvation, in whom I trust.
And so, in the past (middle school and high school), I used to not tell anybody anything. I was actually a closet emo kid haha. Very angry. Bitter. Depressed. But on the outside, everything was peachy keen. In the last few years, God has worked on me and I have opened up (a LOT). And so there are people (my family included) in this world that I would trust with my life. I know they have my back. And I thank God for such a wonderful gift and blessing. However, even with this blessing, I was not completely satisfied nor fulfilled. Because people still failed me.
So my conclusion: I go to God first and foremost. He is my refuge, my fortress, in whom I trust. I will not be shaken.

I write this disclaimer in the beginning so people won't get mad at me for not sharing my hard times immediately (or sometimes at all). It's not because you aren't my friends. It's because I need to go to God first. Nevertheless, I will admit that my problem right now is that I hold it in too long when I should have told people already. And the reason for that is because deep down, I don't want to be hurt. And so I only reserve the most desperate and emergency situations for prayer requests by email. I only reserve phone calls to friends when I really need them. I only do really personal posts on my blog now if I am desperate. And it is in these times, even a sliver of an action of kindness goes a long way for me (so there is very little possibility of getting hurt).

I will say this though. God has been opening me up more and more towards my mom and dad. They have been with me through thick and thin (especially through what I am about to reveal here) and I am so grateful that words cannot describe it. And so I will say it here. Thanks Mom and Dad. Praise God for my parents.

Anyways, onto my semester so far.

So the last 5 weeks have been a nightmare for me academically. I came back from Christmas break expecting to be refreshed and ready to tackle the new semester. The last one wasn't so bad so this one should pass quickly.
Boy was I wrong. I was burned out. I couldn't pick up my books. I didn't have motivation to study. I came back home after school and just watched tv or surfed on the internet. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me and frustration started to build inside me. As the weeks passed and exams drew near, I was nearing my breaking point. I could barely study for 20 minutes straight without being distracted by SOMETHING. The stress and anxiety I had was literally unbearable and i was turning into an insomniac. And on top of that, I developed depression that spawned from my stress and anxiety. I was a mess. And in my desperation, I called someone. I felt better but the next day, it was only slightly better. Exams were 1 week away. So I called my mom. And I talked to my dad. And my Mom drove to memphis the next day. Now THAT is love. This I know for sure: I would not have done as well on my exams if my mom had not come that week. I would have crashed and burned.

The week after exams (clinical week) passes by without incident.

This past week was our first week back to regular classes. And the first day of classes, the anxiety and stress hits me again. Full force. I'm sweaty. Hot and cold constantly. Can't sleep. Get only 4-5 hrs of sleep a night. Can't study. Acid reflux is on overdrive so much that even taking my regular nexium 2x a day isn't helping. Muscle weakness and body aches. I've lost weight (the lowest I've ever been since high school when I was on the basketball team). And I think to myself, "oh no. Not again. This can't be happening. I'm calling Dad." And I did. I'm now on a prescription anti-depressant, anti-anxiety med that I take once a day right now and it seems to be working (I can sleep and I no longer feel most of the symptoms above). I'm taking vitamins and a bunch of other pills (one to further help with my acid reflux in addition to my regular med). I take more pills right now than I've ever taken. And I hate taking pills. But I am determined to survive.

God has watched over me and been with me through it all. And I'm thankful to be alive.

Other things in my life:
- I'm now reading through Job (I'm reading through the entire bible - in who knows how long. Started in Genesis in May sometime ago).
- Church has been really great. I am getting more involved too (being a part of the congregation care team - bringing meals to those who are homebound, etc.).
- Friends in med school have gotten to be better (although there has been some drama as of late that I'm not really fond of).
- I participated in intramural 8 ball (billiards) a couple of weeks ago and am now participating in the intramural foosball league.
- It's finally snowed in Memphis!! Like a couple of inches! Whoo!! That makes me quite happy :)
- I attended my first live tennis match last weekend. Got to watch Andy Roddick v. R. Stepanek in the Morgan Keegan Championships (an ATP 500 tour) here in Memphis. THAT was SWEET!
- I have developed a recent liking for Gordon Ramsey and his shows: Hell's Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares. And I still watch ABDC (it keeps me up with the latest pop hits and I love the dancing). Quest Crew v. Beat Freaks, I'd have to say Quest Crew. I mean, I love the Beat Freaks and all buuuut, man, Quest Crew was awesome this past week! Not to mention I love Hok's accent :).
- Spring break plans: Going to Portugal with my family
- I am currently praying about my summer break plans. I do have the whole month of July available technically. So I am praying about either going on a backpacking trip through Europe or working at a Christian hospital in the Congo (they speak French!). Both are exciting opportunities for me and I would love to do both. So if you could pray that God would lead me in what would please Him, that would be awesome.
- It is possible that I might be getting a roommate come next year. At first, I was a little upset about it because I was quite used to having the condo all to myself and having my personal space where I could just get away from everything and everyone. However, I think it might be for the best and God probably orchestrated it. Sooo, I've gotten over myself and if it happens. I'll be fine either way =). Hopefully I can be a good witness to her.

Final note: please pray for my overall health and stability. I feel a cough developing in my lungs (I woke up with it this morning and there has been a lot of sickness floating around as most of you know) and I still need to crawl out of this hole that I have dug for myself.

Thanks for reading! Let me know how I can pray for you all!