I don't know if this is a good idea or not...Whatever...I'm beyond being rational right now. This is the ugly me...the real me. The fleshly me. In it's true hideous form. The monster that rears its ugly head and doesn't seem to go away. Yes, this is the Jekyll to my Hyde. The Frankenstein side of me. This is what happens when I'm at rock bottom...the thoughts that go through my mind. Over and over and over...
My head is about to explode. It's pounding. I thought I could prove Sheila wrong by being able to sleep last night. HA!
I slept from around 12am to about 5:30am...then once I was awake (which was a big mistake), my mind couldn't stop. It just keeps on going and going and going and going and going...
I want to take a baseball bat to my head to make it stop. Seriously....or benadryl...
I just want to be knocked out. Completely. I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to know anything. I just don't want to even be in existence. Period. To put someone I care about through so much suffering...I can't take it anymore. Perhaps if I didn't even exist, he would be a better person...he wouldn't have to suffer so much.
I don't want to let my parents know but...there will be signs. The fact that I couldn't sleep. The fact that I don't feel like eating. The fact that I want to die.
I'm crashing...spiraling out of control. I feel so helpless right now. I don't have any peace. I've tried for about 1 1/2 hrs now to give it to God. HA! Right. I just can't let it go. And I know the only way I'll ever let it go is if I get so tired from lack of sleep that my physical body crashes on me. Ah, but then again, it's mind over matter isn't it? So maybe I'll never crash and my mind will just push my body so far that it won't know it's going over the limit.
I'm so afraid. I'm so very afraid...
I just need to get these thoughts out...
I'm drowning and I want to be in Cleveland so badly. Driving there now wouldn't be quick enough. I would if I could. Ah, that would be another sign right? If I just take off for Cleveland tomorrow...I'm seriously thinking about it. If I get all my errands done...all the things that I need to get done, done.
Am I being too emotional about this? HA! that's such a stupid question. Of course I'm being too emotional! How can I not be?! Please someone help me to not be emotional!! Please, someone let me know how I can possibly change my personality, change my biological makeup, somehow so that I don't feel anything anymore. So that I'm not hurting anymore. So that I don't feel pain. Don't feel joy. Don't feel sadness. Don't feel a thing.
Irrationality. I think I've already lost it.
I want to scream. but I can't scream. I don't live by myself.
I feel like I'm dying. Maybe something already died in me.
God help me. But above all God...help him.
I'm glad you let this out... Feel what you need to feel. You're right to realize that you can't change your makeup and you can't just snap yourself out of this.
ReplyDeleteBut know and remember that in a few days you won't be able to imagine how your emotions could have been so powerful.
Overthinking can get dangerous.. just do what you need to do (what you think will help the situation) and then let your mind stick to something else, be it a movie or an errand or a craft... I know you'll be okay. I love you and keep praying :)